You are feeling so virtuous on this fine August Saturday morning in the San Fernando Valley.
You’re up early, dressed, grocery list in hand, and headed to your local Ralphs. It’s around 6:30am, and you’re going to get this boring task done so you can relax and enjoy the rest of your weekend.
Traffic is light, you make good time, and park in the lot. You grab a cart, head inside, and as you decide where to start, something catches your eye.
There’s a bear.
In the grocery store.
Is this your fault?
You wrote “Bear” on your grocery list – did you somehow magically conjure up what’s there, before your very eyes…
But that “Bear” on your list was just your shorthand for a grocery item: Haribo Gold Bears…or maybe it was Bear Claw pastries…or was it Bear Bush cannabis…
Oops, no – wrong store for that last item.
But you’re not standing and staring at a bear while you try to remember why you wrote “Bear” on your list.
To hell with the groceries.
You beat-feet out of that store so fast, it’s like you were bearly there.
Smarter than these people just standing around in the aisle, gazing at the bear that just walked by them:
Smarter that the people who, according to this article:
“…tried to pet and feed the bear.”
You’re smarter than anyone who stayed the store that Saturday morning, taking pictures and videos of a 125-pound wild bear.
Including actress Tisha Campbell, who daringly paused long enough to shoot video of herself in the store with the bear, AND post her encounter on social media:
Then, and only then, did she leave the store, filming herself as she was in her car in the parking lot:
And assuring us:
“I made it to my f—ing car, but this is some bulls—. It’s not like I’m in a secluded area. I’m in my f—ing local grocery store!”
Ah – the sacrifices one makes for one’s social media followers.
Now, some stories I read referred to this 125-pound bear as a “cub.”
This is complete disinformation.
At birth, a bear cub is so small, its weight is measured in ounces – see?
That is a bear cub.
This 125-pound bear has long, sharp teeth, and long, sharp claws, and a voracious appetite for just about anything, including…
But you, oh Smart One?
You are out of the store and into your car, windows closed, doors locked.
You head for home, making one quick stop.
And later that day, you hear on the news that some of the grocery store staff chased the bear out of the store…
…after which it was tranquilized and transported by California Fish and Wildlife into the Santa Susana Mountains.
You hear, though you’re not paying all that much attention.
Because that one stop you made earlier, on your way home?
Was to pick up these, to commemorate your safe escape: