Book Review: Don’t Waste Your Time Or Money On This Super Stinker

book_01Publication date:  November 2018

Review, short version:  My usual limit is four out of four skunks, but I made an exception for this super stinker.

Review, long version:

When Liane Moriarty’s Nine Perfect Strangers came out, I didn’t need to read the reviews.

I’d enjoyed her previous seven books, and was looking forward to this one.

Early on we meet the lead narrator, Frances, and I liked her immediately.  She’s on her way to a high-end, out-in-the-middle-of-nowhere health spa because her life was in Meltdown_02 croppedmeltdown.

Serious meltdown.

But that doesn’t keep Frances from being, at turns, wry, funny, wise and foolish.  She says and thinks things that are so well put I started writing them down.

For instance, she had to fill out an online questionnaire to qualify as a spa guest, and since Frances thought most of their questions were none of their business, “She cheerfully lied her way through it.”

Frances is a successful romance novelist, but she doesn’t read reviews of her books because “her skin was too thin.”  Then she reads one bad review, and “A quite extraordinary pain in her chest radiated throughout her entire body.”

I was right there with her.feet scale_01 cropped

Frances is one of those rare women who doesn’t have issues with her weight, and she gets bored with women who do:  “The recent weight losers, the thin women who called themselves fat, the average women who called themselves obese, the ones desperate for her to join in their lavish self-loathing.”

“Lavish self-loathing.”  So well put, and so true.

So I liked Frances, and I liked how Moriarty introduces us to, and gets us acquainted with, the other eight spa guests in Frances’ group – the Nine Perfect Strangers – along with spa owner Masha, and her staff.  Moriarty does such a good job of giving her multiple characters different voices and unique circumstances that I had never had one of those, “Wait – which one is this?” moments.

brick wall_08 cropped bestSo I was cruising along, really enjoying the story – especially Frances – until I ran into a brick wall on page 225, half-way through the book.

The nine guests and spa staff are together in a meditation room when the guests discover they’ve just consumed smoothies laced with LSD and psilocybin (magic mushrooms), courtesy of Masha.  Her goal was “heightening the senses” of the guests for their “guided psychedelic therapy.”

date rapeWHOA.  This is SO not OK.

It’s way beyond not OK, and I was furious.  My first thought was of GHB, the date-rape drug that’s also administered without the recipient’s knowledge.  My second thought:  Slipping anyone any drug without their knowledge is horrible.  And illegal.

Yet Moriarty incorporated it as a part of her storyline, and what followed were way too many pages of the various head trips each of the guests is forced to take.

The head trips are followed by Masha and the spa staff leaving, and locking the guests inwatching security cameras the room.  While they try to figure out how to escape, they’re watched and listened to on monitors by Masha and staff in her office.

First drugging people, and then holding them captive and spying on them – this is Moriarty’s idea of good storytelling?

Now I was both furious and disgusted.

At about page 250 I started skimming, right through the next 200 pages to the end.  I couldn’t wait for this book to be over – this book, which I started out enjoying so much.  I’ve never had this experience before, to go from such a pleasurable read to truly rotten one, all in one book.

All I could think was, “I’m so glad I got this from the library and didn’t spend $30+ on it.”

Now I decided it was time to read some Amazon reviews, to see if anyone agreed with me.  How I wish I’d done this before I wasted my time!  Here are some excerpts from the negative ones (and there are 12 pages of them):

  • I really disliked this book, and skipped from about the 30% mark to 90% to only know the ending.
  • It started fairly well but swiftly deteriorated.
  • This book is the first of Ms. Moriarty’s books that is terrible.book in trash
  • This book is a huge disappointment.
  • Wait for reviews before buying her next.
  • Oh my goodness, this is her worst book.
  • Really awful book.
  • This one was awful…a huge letdown.
  • Her worst book.  Very disappointed.
  • I’m shocked Liane Moriarty wrote this.
  • Left me incredibly disappointed.  I do not recommend this book!
  • An utter disaster.
  • Absolute rubbish.
  • I wanted to love this book, but ended up hating it.

At least I’m in good company.

And I hated it, too.

sixteen thumbs-down cropped

How To Turn A First Date Into A Last Date

Stupid commercials have been around since, well – commercials have been around.vintage_radio1

And commercials have been around since before television.

That’s right – on-air commercials started with radio.  When radio was a new medium, its primary function was delivering commercials to listeners, for which the radio stations and/or networks were paid by the advertisers.

But the guys in charge knew that people wouldn’t listen to nothing but commercials all day and all night, so they came up with the idea of putting on programs to break up the vintage tvcommercials.

Radio existed to bring you commercials, not programs.  The programs were just padding.

Same with TV.

With so many commercials it’s inevitable that there would be some real stinkers, and a recent 30-second Senokot TV commercial has to be the biggest stinker of all.

If you’ll excuse the expression.

The setting:  A woman and man are in a bakery.  He purchases two coffees at the counter, turns and bumps into her.

coupleHe smiles and says, “Sorry – first dates can be a bit uncomfortable.”

She responds, “Yeah, I know.  Kind of like my constipation.”wait what

Wait.

What?

The man, eyebrows raised, looks puzzled.  This would have sent any normal guy running for the door, but we haven’t heard the advertiser’s message yet.

“I am so backed up,” she continues.  “Believe me, I’ve been trying.”

He appears to gulp, and perhaps looks paler than a few seconds earlier.

Since when is this a topic on a date, let alone a first date?  Is the advertiser suggesting that this is normal, that this is what dating people talk about?

At 14 seconds into the commercial, this graphic appears:

let's not talk about.jpg

Of course, for the remainder of the commercial we do nothing but talk about it.

Then comes the announcer, and a new graphic:

First graphic

Announcer:  Senokot’s natural vegetable laxative ingredient means occasional constipation won’t be on your mind.

She says, “Did I make it…more uncomfortable?”

By “it” I assume she means the awkwardness of a first date, not the state of her bowels.

The poor guy looks plenty “uncomfortable.”

“Nnn – no,” he says.  “It’s fine.”

Guy.jpg
Poor guy.  Pained – but polite.

Well, at least he’s got good manners.

OK, the end is in sight.

If you’ll excuse the expression.

Last grapic.jpg

Announcer:  Say “No more” to occasional constipation with clinically proven, effective Senokot!  Satisfaction guaranteed or your money back.

I think the guy should get back his money back for the coffees, and now run for the door.

shooting a spot
Just a few of the folks we can thank for this commercial.

Just think of all the people involved in getting this commercial from concept to in your face:  Creative director, art director, writers, director, editor, lighting and sound crew, hair, makeup and set styling people, actors, set builders, graphics designer, announcer, plus the Senokot people who approved the commercial.

They all thought this message was going to make viewers say, “Wow, that convinces me!  From now on, it’s Senokot for my occasional constipation!” and run right out and buy some.

Viewers who, I’ll mention, are eating dinner, because the only time I’ve seen this commercial is at dinnertime.

Television.

What a wasteland.

If you’ll excuse the expression.

eating dinner_05
It’s that %?#$!&#! Senokot commercial again…

Ode To My Kitchen: The Most Unused Room In My Home

Or, why you do NOT want to come to my house for Christmas dinner…

I am no cook
But I like to look
At food magazines and such.
The pictures are neat
And I love to eat
But to cook – well, not so much.
 magazines.jpg
I won’t win a prize
For my apple pies
Of baking I’ve nothing to boast.
My cakes turn out flat
And much worse than that
Hell, I struggle just making toast.
 burning toast_01
I once had a wish
To fry up some fish
Which into the trash I did dump.
The people I feed
Oh, where does it lead?
To a date with a stomach pump.
 scraping garbage into wastebasket.png
I’m giving up hope
My cooking’s a joke
No matter how hard I strive.
I promise I’ll stay
From the kitchen – away
So my family and friends survive.
 sick.jpg

merry-christmas-the end cropped

And Now It’s Time For Another Edition Of…

This “Wait…What?” moment is brought to you by your tax dollars.

wastedSpecifically, the tax dollars that pay the salaries of both a clerk and supervisor at the District of Columbia Marriage Bureau.

And because the District of Columbia – that is, Washington DC – is not a state but a stand-alone Federal City, we’re talking federal tax dollars.

Your federal tax dollars.

The media thus far have declined to name the clerk and supervisor, so for storytelling purposes, I’ll name them.  Let’s see…

abbott_and_costello_show Abbott and Costello? No, they were smart.
tom and jerry Tom and Jerry? No, they were funny.
dumb cropped YES

Because the clerk and supervisor were just so embarrassingly…nescient.

Last month Gavin Clarkson, a resident of New Mexico, and his then-fiancée Marina, a resident of Washington DC, went to the District of Columbia Marriage Bureau to apply for a marriage license.

Clarkson presented his New Mexico driver license for ID to the clerk, whom I’ll call Dumb.ready_01

Dumb rejected Clarkson’s license as ID because…

Are you ready?

“She thought New Mexico was a foreign country,” said Clarkson.  Dumb told Clarkson he would need an international passport for ID, since he wasn’t a U.S. citizen.

Clarkson protested the clerk’s decision to her supervisor, who was obviously Dumber, and who also failed to recognize New Mexico as a state.

“My supervisor says we cannot accept international driver licenses. Do you have a New Mexico passport?” queried Dumb.

laughing_01Clarkson said the employee checked with the supervisor twice about the issue.

By now, said Clarkson, “All the couples behind us waiting in line were laughing.”

If I’d been in line waiting to get a marriage license, and the line was stalled because  federal-tax-dollars-paid U.S. citizens were unaware that our country has a state called “New Mexico,” I would not have been laughing.

The online stories are sketchy about how Clarkson finally convinced Dumb and Dumber that New Mexico was, indeed, a state.  Did he:

  • Google “U.S. maps” and point to his home?
  • Find “New Mexico” on Wikipedia, where it says New Mexico has been a state in 1912?
  • Show Dumb the Ballotpedia page from Clarkson’s recent unsuccessful run for New Mexico Secretary of State:

Ballotpedia

Later on Facebook Clarkson said:

Facebook

The license was issued, the couple married, and in a statement the director of media and public relations for DC Courts apologized for the couple’s “slight delay.”

The director did not apologize for Dumb and Dumber’s…dumbness.

Nor did she indicate if she’d be requiring Dumb and Dumber to memorize our other 49 states.

Map

Movie Review:  Well Worth Watching Because They’re…

american experienceWhen PBS television has an American Experience documentary on the schedule, I want to see it.

Because every American Experience I’ve watched has been excellent.

And what’s not to like?  They’re all about us.

According to their website,  American Experience “brings to life the compelling stories from our past that inform our understanding of the world today.”  The series began airing 20 years ago, and has featured more than 300 stories on just about any topic you can think of, from The Great poisoner's_01San Francisco Earthquake (1988) to Reagan (1998) to The Circus (2018).

It’s two documentaries from the current season that I’m reviewing, The Poisoner’s Handbook and The Eugenics Crusade.  Both are extremely well done, and full of fascinating information that doesn’t feel like facts flying at you, but instead, easy-to-watch stories…

All about us.

EugenicsCrusade_01One documentary is a story about science gone wrong – and one about science gone right.  But these aren’t “scientific” documentaries, nor are they “dumbed down” for the non-scientific.  Both offer entertainment, information, and will have you saying, “I didn’t know that!”

Science gone wrong:

The Eugenics Crusade tells the story of well-intentioned people whose goal was to perfect humanity, believing that healthy babies made happy families – and who would argue with that?  By the mid-1920s the eugenics movement was mainstream, its beliefs popular and practiced, and supported by law, up to and including a Supreme Court decision in 1927.

eugenicsWhere the good intentions went wrong was in the forced sterilization of those considered “unfit” to have offspring – but who was fit to judge the “unfit”?

In the name of perfection, more than 60,000 Americans were sterilized – many from immigrant groups, the poor, Jews, the mentally and physically disabled, and the “morally delinquent.”

The movement was discredited during the 1930s, and forever put to rest when Hitler became a proponent of eugenics.

Or, chillingly, not quite to rest:  That decision by the Supreme Court has never been overturned and still stands.  Forced sterilization is permitted in half the states in America by laws that have not been challenged or overturned.

Science gone right:

The Poisoner’s Handbook tells two parallel stories:  One, the goal of protecting citizens arsenicfrom the unintended consequences of progress; the second, the birth and evolution of forensic science, the most believed testimony in modern-day courtrooms.

In the early 20th century, progress in the U.S. was marked by new inventions, discoveries and products, and the widely held belief that “new means better.”  Some of the new enhancements – all in the name of “progress” – included lead in drinking water, arsenic in makeup, and radium in household products.  The average American home was a treasure chest of poison.

Radium+spray+pepsi+co_3487bc_5828591As more and more people died of poisoning – some accidental and some deliberately administered – in the 1920s medical examiner Charles Norris and his chief toxicologist Alexander Gettle became pioneers the field of forensic science, solving cases of suspicious deaths and revolutionizing criminal investigation.

If you’re a fan of the CSI:  Crime Scene Investigation shows, you can thank Norris and Gettle for their brilliance – and perseverance.

When you watch The Eugenics Crusade and The Poisoner’s Handbook – or any American Experience – you’ll be entertained and informed.  And you’ll no longer say, “I didn’t know that!” because…

NowYouKnow-02 cropped

A First For Me – And Perhaps You, Too?

I read it, then blinked to be sure my vision was clear.

HeadlineI read it again.

And burst out laughing.

I have never, EVER see the word “Farts” in a headline before.

But there it is, from my newspaper, in black and white.

Naturally this required further research, so I googled the story.

“Farts” is not only in the headlines, it’s in almost every headline:

Headlines final

Yes, this was a new one on me.

Perhaps because farting doesn’t generally make news headlines.  Everyone farts, so this isn’t exactly news.

Except, now it is.

Why?

Where:  Dania Beach, FL, in line at a Dollar General in late November.

Who:  Thirty-seven-year-old Shanetta Wilson.

What:  Shanetta farted – or “passed gas” as some stories prefer.  Not yet newsworthy.

Some stories – and headlines – reported the woman farted “loudly.”

Nope.  Still not newsworthy.

not newsSeriously.  Can you imagine if the media did stories about every person who “farted loudly?”

What then:  A nearby male customer, John Walker, complained.  Whether about the odor, the noise, all of the above or something else, isn’t specified.

But newsworthy?  Nope, again.  I’m sure this isn’t the first time someone complained about another’s fart.

And then?

knife_03 croppedJohn and Shanetta got into an argument.  Shanetta took exception to whatever John said, and, according to the sheriff’s report, allegedly “pulled a small folding knife out of her purse and told the victim she was going to ‘gut’ him while moving as if to attack him.”

She “cocked the blade back in her right hand as if she was about to strike,” said in another story.

OK:  Now we’re talking newsworthy.

Shanetta left the store without actually attacking John, but instead of cutting out – if you’ll excuse the expression – she was still nearby and arrested by police when John identified her.

She was charged with “aggravated assault with a deadly weapon without intent to kill,” and her bail was set at $2,500.

I’m going to wax philosophical and pose the question:

What would you do?Odor in the elevator

You, like John Walker, are in close proximity to someone – in line at a store, in an elevator, in bed with your partner, in church – and that someone farts.  “Loudly,” or otherwise.

Would you say something?

I wouldn’t.  As a kid I was taught that the only appropriate comment after a fart is “Excuse me,” and that’s by the farter, not the person/people suffering from it.

Now suppose you’re the farter – again, in line at a store, in an elevator, in bed with your partner, in church.

Would you say something?News Anchors

This TV news anchor on the left posed that question to his co-anchor.

The co-anchor’s response:  “I would try to say that it wasn’t me.”

I guess that option didn’t occur to Shanetta, in the heat of the moment.

If you’ll excuse the expression.

The takeaway?

The next time you’re in proximity to someone who farts, don’t say anything.  Now that we’ve seen you could actually be putting your life in danger.

Just hold your breath.

It’ll pass.

If you’ll excuse the expression.

Shanetta and excuse me
KSAT-TV in San Antonio, TX thoughtfully provided an illustration, along with Shanetta’s mug shot.  Next time, Shanetta, let it pass.

This Is One Very…

NatureWhen PBS airs Nature I know I’m in for a treat.

The photography is amazing, the narration is informative and sometimes humorous, and the animals are at their best – living their lives in the wild where we’re privileged to join them for awhile.

I recently enjoyed a new Nature mini-series, Super Cats.  The series featured plenty of time with large and small wild cats including lions, tigers, bobcats, the elusive snow leopard, Africa’s black-footed cat – called “the deadliest cat on the planet” – 31 cats in all.

But without a doubt the coolest cat was the one with partially webbed feet.fishing-cat-foot

That’s right – webbed feet.

It likes the water.

When it’s hungry, it goes fishing.

It’s called…

The fishing cat.

Fishing cats are about twice the size of domestic cats, weighing between 11 and 35 fishing_cat02pounds.  They live in south and southeast Asia, and we find them near water because that’s their primary hunting place.

They’re handsome cats, with dark stripes on their face and shoulders, and spots on their sides and legs.  Fishing cats’ bodies are muscular, and their legs are shorter compared to cats who chase their prey across wide, open spaces.

And then there are those webbed feet.  They come in handy when the fishing cat is perched on a rock, waiting to scoop up a fish, and the webbing is equally useful as the cat glides through the water and then…catch perched reversed

Gotcha!  Dinner is served.

That webbing between their toes also keep fishing cats from sinking when they’re walking across muddy wetlands, and they do sometimes hunt away from streams and lakes – their diet can include snakes, rodents, young deer and yes, they’ve been known to invade farmer’s chicken coops.

Super Cats features a segment with a mother fishing cat showing her two kittens water for the first time – and they’re curious, but nervous.

Mom makes it look easy
Mom makes it look so easy…

The mother demonstrates her expert hunting technique, moving smoothly through the stream and catching a fish in her mouth.  The kittens learn that water can mean food, but catching that food, well…

Caught a Salad.jpg
Mom, look!  I caught a…a…salad?

Like so many animals in the wild, fishing cats are threatened by loss of their habitat.  The International Species Information Service lists only 256 worldwide, with 68 in U.S. zoos.

So I’m grateful I was introduced to, and have the chance to appreciate, a cat that doesn’t sing for its supper…

But sure can swim for it.

cat under water cropped reversed