Where: White House Oval Office
When: Right Now
What: Debate Preparation
Toady #1: Mr. President, the first debate is tomorrow – September 29 – and we’ve got this area set up with a podium for a practice session. You’ll recall, sir, we call them “mock debates,” and –
Trump: Speaking of mocking, did you hear me mocking Biden at my news conference? I called him “Sleepy Joe,” “Sleepy Creepy Joe” and “Slow Joe,” all in one sentence!
Toady #2: Yes, sir, we certainly did, sir. Getting back to our debate prep –
Trump: And remember the other day, when I said, “Now I can get really vicious!” Wait till you see how vicious I can get at those debates! When’s the first one, anyway?
Toady #1: Ah…tomorrow, sir?
Trump: And – oh yeah! You heard I won the Pulitzer Prize, right?
Toady #3: Sir, are you referring to your nomination for the Nobel Peace Prize?
Trump: Yeah, the Noble Prize. I knew I’d win it!
Toady #3: Actually, sir, the Nobel winner won’t be announced until October 2021, sir, and –
(Trump, arms folded, glares at Toady #3)
Toady #2: If I could jump in here, sir? Chris Christie is on his way here. He’s going to pretend to be your debate opponent, sir, like he did four years, ago? When he was our stand-in for Hilary?
Trump: You mean Hilary the Skank? Hey, do you know what a “skank” is? I’ll bet you don’t. Look it up on your phone. Do it right now. Look it up!
Toady #2: Sir, it says “skank” is “a sleazy or unpleasant person.”
Trump: No, keep reading, it gets better!
Toady #2: Um… Well, sir, it says, “a woman who has many casual sexual encounters or relationships.”
Trump: That’s the one! Hilary, a total skank! Just like when I called what’s-her-name, Megan Kelly, a bimbo, right? Hey, look up “bimbo” and we’ll –
Toady #1: Mr. President, sir, if you could stand behind the podium –
Trump: Zingers! Zingers! That’s something I don’t have to practice. I’ve been delivering zingers since I was born! When I’m on that debate stage with Sleepy Creepy –
Toady #2: I’m glad you mentioned that, sir. Here are the moderators’ photos, with Chris Wallace as the first moderator –
Trump: Wallace? Wallace? That guy is walking, talking fake news! I told him so in that interview, remember? He ought to be shut down, and his frigging network, too.
Toady #3: Ah, sir? Chris Wallace is with Fox News?
Trump: Since when?
Toady #2: And another moderator, here’s her photo, Kristen Welker –
Trump: Never heard of her.
Toady #1: Ah, actually, sir, at a news conference back in January you congratulated her on being named co-anchor of Weekend Today.
Trump: I never said that.
Toady #1: Ah, sir, you also said, quote, “They made a very wise decision.”
Trump: Never. I never said that. Why would I say that? I must have thought she was someone else. Rosa Parks, maybe? She’s Black too, right?
Toady #2: And the third moderator, this is Steve Scully –
Trump: Another guy? Why another guy? You know I do better with broads. But then, I always have, know what I mean? I just grab ‘em by the –
Toady #3: If I may, sir, getting back to our debate practice, sir –
Trump: Speaking of broads, I’d narrowed it down to four for the Supreme Court – lemme show you what I did. I made these flash card things, see? Amy, Barbara, Alice and what’s-her-name, Joan. I’d flip through ‘em, then I rated ‘em, and – see? Amy’s an eight. Solid eight. Well, I thought maybe a nine, but she’s too old to be a nine.
Toady #2: Sir, I belive Judge Rushing’s first name is Allison, not Alice, and…
Trump: Alice and Barbara, I gave ‘em both sixes, and Joan – best I could do was four. See? So, Amy’s the eight, Amy gets the nomination. Easy!
(very long pause)
Toady #1: Sir, why don’t you step behind the podium and we’ll get started and –
Trump: Podium, schmodium. I don’t need no stinkin’ podium! I’ll walk on the stage and talk about the Russian hoax, and the mainstream fake media, and the rigged election, and the antifa, left-wing anarchists and –
Toady #2: And…the pandemic?
Trump: The flu? Why would I talk about the flu?