Part 1: A Heads-Up To Family, Friends And Myriad Others Who Have Me On Their Christmas Shopping List

As you can see from this headline in the September 22 San Diego Union-Tribune:

Christmas shopping this year is going to be challenging, and early shopping “is a must.”

So I’ve put together some helpful hints about what not to buy, and what to buy, and put under the Christmas tree for me.

Part 1: Don’t Buy This

If I asked, “Who do you think is one of the greatest U.S. presidents?” you might say, “Abraham Lincoln.”

If I asked, “Who do you think is one of the greatest U.S. architects?” you might say, “Frank Lloyd Wright.”

And if I asked, “Who do you think is one of the greatest U.S. cheese carvers?” you might say…

And yet there is a woman who is – or at least, who is described as – “one of the greatest cheese carvers in the U.S.”

Meet Sarah Kaufmann, also known as “The Cheese Lady.”

It says so, right on her Facebook page – that’s Kaufmann in the cheese hat:

Kaufmann began her cheese-carving career 40 years ago, and she’s never met a block of cheddar she couldn’t whittle into something that looks like…something. Or someone.

She can claim more than 2,500 sculptures and a Guinness World Record, and her works have appeared at NBA finals games and concerts of popular musical artists such as Pentatonix, Ariana Grande, John Mayer, and Carrie Underwood, who was immortalized with this masterpiece in 2019:

In her Instagram post Underwood said,

“This is me…carved into a 40 lb block of Wisconsin cheese in honor of our show here in Milwaukee! I’m speechless!!!”

I understand that “speechless” feeling, Carrie.

I felt the same way when I saw recently saw this, also by Kaufmann:

When I regained my power of speech, I said,

“I love cheese. Do I want a cheddar cheese carving of myself for Christmas?”

Research required, leading here:

“Whisps, America’s best-selling cheese crisps company, is sharing the must-have gift for cheeseaholics: a personalized cheese carving. Yes, you can let award-winning cheese carver, Sarah Kaufmann, whip up a custom cheese sculpture for the ultimate cheesy gift.”

Kaufmann is charging $200 (plus shipping) for her creations, and…

“All you have to do is upload a hi-res image of your fave pet, place, item or person and allow two weeks for Sarah to do her magic. When finished, it will measure approximately 6.75” x 3” x 2.5” and will last up to two weeks when refrigerated.”

My decision:

I don’t want it, I won’t display it, I won’t eat it, and it will sit in my fridge and end up looking like this:

Here’s some more stuff that’s definitely on my Don’t-Buy-This list:

Yes, your eyes are not deceiving you.

These $75 candles are in the shape of female legs:

The goal is to light the female legs on fire, and then…what?

Arrange them in a variety of provocative positions, and watch them burn?

Perhaps as an evening’s entertainment?

The name of this item is “Baby Won’t You Light My Legs? Candle.”

When I happened across this item, I thought, “What misogynistic, creepy guy came up with this idea?”

It turns out that it wasn’t a guy, but is rather a young female entrepreneur, according to this 2018 New York Times article:

Her name is Claire Olshan (pictured) and she’s a boutique owner in New York who also founded Dada Daily, “a line of vegan snacks made from her favorite superfoods.”

Apparently not content with just vegan snacks, Olshan added candles to her Dada Daily offerings, including the female leg candles, along with this description:

And apparently also not content with burning just female legs, Olshan includes another female body part – the “Baby Won’t You Light My Fingers? Candle” ($65) in her product line as well: