“If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.” – Sue Grafton

If you’re thinking, “Whaddaya mean, men would still be wearing them?” take a look at no less a male personage than King Louis XIV of France in his red high heels in the mid-1600s.

This guy set the fashion, so you can rest assured that high heels for men were de rigueur, as they say in France.

Men wised up not long after, and donated their high heels to the unwashed masses, which caused the masses no end of health problems, which led to the French Revolution in the 1700s.  While the peasants were kicking up their (high) heels and cutting off aristocrats’ heads, not one aristocratic male – and this is well documented – went to the guillotine wearing Jimmy Choo stilettos.  The dudes were still dead, but still de rigueur.

(Speaking of Jimmy Choo, you know he doesn’t wear his stilettos either, right?)

As for women, they didn’t wise up.  Women persisted throughout the centuries in clinging to this peculiar form of torture, through the…

1700s…
1800s…
1900s…
and into the 21st century.

“Torture?” you ask.

Here are just a few of the aforementioned health problems that can be yours (at no extra charge) from those snazzy Valentino Garavani gladiator sandals you found at Neiman Marcus for just $1,445:

Bunions – A bony bump that forms on the joint at the base of your big toe.  It forms when your big toe pushes against your next toe, forcing the joint of your big toe to get bigger and stick out.
Pump Bumps (Haglund’s Deformity) – A bony enlargement on the back of the heel.  The soft tissue near the Achilles tendon becomes irritated when the bony enlargement rubs against shoes.  This often leads to painful bursitis, which is an inflammation of the bursa (a fluid-filled sac between the tendon and bone).
Hammer Toes – A deformity that causes a toe to bend or curl downward instead of pointing forward.  This deformity can affect any toe on your foot, most often the second or third toe.
Foraminal Stenosis – a spinal nerve condition that can occur when anatomical abnormalities block or reduce space in one or more foramina.  This condition can cause cramps, muscle spasms, numbness, tingling and pain.

There are many reasons why women wear high heels – you can find reasons all over the Internet, and likely more from your friends.  Interestingly, none of the lists – or your friends – offers the simple suggestion that perhaps women simply aren’t as smart as men.

Or perhaps women are just sheep, following each other’s lead.

After all, if high heels were so wonderful…