Somehow the latest food fad slimed – er, I mean slid – right past me.
I’m referring to swamp – er, I mean green – juice.
“Green juice” is a generic name for a supposedly healthy beverage that looks like it came from a swamp, or an algae-infested swimming pool. It’s made from processed (squished) vegetables, plus other stuff that makes it possible to swallow. For example, here’s the ingredients list from one brand:
“Water, organic romaine juice, organic apple juice, organic celery juice, organic cucumber juice, organic lemon juice, organic kale juice, organic parsley juice, organic spinach juice, organic ginger juice, natural peppermint flavor, organic rosemary extract.”
You do know that some of this stuff was added to distract you from the taste of the rest of the stuff, right?
If you think I’m kidding about the swamp, a number of brands include algae, like chlorella and spirulina:
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Contains Chlorella |
Contains Spirulina |
Contains Both |
Just like swamps. And swimming pools.
Green juice has become popular not because of the taste, but because of all the wonderful results promised by the producers:
| Suja Mighty Greens will “make your body sing.” |  |
| Blueprint Motion Potion will put “pep in your step.” |  |
| Jus by Julie states, “This cleanse is the best of both worlds.” |  |
I’d like to ask Suja Juice to share the data from their clinical research on exactly how their green juice makes a “body sing,” and exactly what that sounds and looks like. Is the singing coming from the test subjects’ mouths, some other orifice, or a combination of
those? Is the singing Top 10, Hip-Hop, Blues, other?
And what about “pep in your step”? How many test subjects that drank Blueprint Motion Potion experienced this, and what did that look like?
As for Jus by Julie and the “cleanse” – nope, not going there.
Of course, you don’t have to buy cases of bottled green juice to make your body sing, etc. You can just plunk down $600 for this lovely Breville 800XL Juice Fountain Elite, buy out the produce section at your grocery store, and make your own swamp stuff.
Too pricey? Then how about this nice Omega J8004 Nutrition Center Commercial Masticating Juicer for just $337? It’s not just any juicer – it masticates!
Or, you could just walk around town until you find a neglected swimming pool, scoop up a bucket of that green slime – er, I mean juice – and drink it all down.
That “cleanse” will put some “pep in your step,” for sure.
I Hate Houseguests 