This Company Should Flush With Embarrassment

why-am-i-reading-t croppedDon’t ask me why I started reading the packaging wrapped around my Quilted Northern® toilet paper.

But a headline on the back caught my eye:

Compulsive Design For A Comfy Clean

Then below that:


(I hoped something quasi-salacious was coming, so I continued reading.)

“We can be a little obsessive about all the tiny details that go into our products.  After all, crafting Quilted Northern Ultra Soft & Strong® to meet your expectations matters.  That’s why it includes…”

Whoa.  Before I read what “it includes,” I paused to reflect on some of this language:

  • Compulsive
  • Confession
  • Obsessive

This sounds like the psycho’s stream-of-consciousness in the latest Women’s Fiction>Mystery, Thriller & Suspense book.

Either that, or this company takes very seriously a product that most of us spend no timeempty roll thinking about.

Unless we run out it.

At an awkward moment.

Curiosity sent me to, maker of the product about which they claim to be both compulsive and obsessive, and I’d have to say – I agree with them.

First I encountered something I never thought I would:  A toilet paper test.  Just answer three questions and you’ll get a diagnosis about which kind of Quilted Northern® to use.  I got tense, fearing I’ve been using the wrong type of toilet paper!

With great trepidation and a great deal of thought, I slowly, carefully answered each question and then…

Test Results.jpg

I was indeed using the right toilet paper.  Whew, what a relief!  If you’ll excuse the expression.

And look at the top of the image – you even get a do-over!

did-you-know croppedThere was more excitement to come when I looked at the “Did You Know” section, starting with something I didn’t know:

That it would even occur to a toilet paper producer to include a “Did You Know.”  Who wants to know anything about toilet paper other than – is it available?

Well, I learned that:

“The Quilted Northern® brand has devoted the last hundred years to rethinking, innovating and designing the best toilet paper.  An unmatched legacy of craftsmanship and obsession about all the tiny details that go into its products delivers the most comfortable bathroom experience.”

Whew, again – devoting 100 years to toilet paper.  There’s a job I don’t want.

Further exploration revealed…

Fact 1.jpg

I confess I did not know this.  I wonder if Sears did?

Fact 2.jpg

I plead ignorance again.  But “splinter-free” sounds good.

Fact 3

Well, I’m 0 for three here.  And TP-ing the Earth sounds like another job I don’t want.

I continued perusing the website, then went back to the toilet paper packaging to keep reading.  From these I encountered benefits including…

  • Two soft, durable layers with interwoven fibers
  • You won’t have to chose between comfort and strength
  • Super-flexible paper designed to hold up
  • Responsibly sourced renewable materials
  • 100% biodegradable
  • Septic safe for standard sewer and septic systems

Clearly the Quilted Northern® brand wants to present itself as both kind to our posteriors and kind to our environment.why-oh-why-open-relationship cropped

Perhaps even compulsive – and obsessive – about it.

If so, then I can’t help but wonder…

Why, oh why, does Quilted Northern® come wrapped in…

plastic word _01

polluted by plastic.jpg

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