This Company Should Flush With Embarrassment

Don’t ask me why I started reading the packaging wrapped around my Quilted Northern® toilet paper.

But a headline on the back caught my eye:

Compulsive Design For A Comfy Clean

Then below that:

CONFESSION:

(I hoped something quasi-salacious was coming, so I continued reading.)

“We can be a little obsessive about all the tiny details that go into our products. After all, crafting Quilted Northern Ultra Soft & Strong® to meet your expectations matters. That’s why it includes…”

Whoa. Before I read what “it includes,” I paused to reflect on some of this language:

Compulsive
Confession
Obsessive

This sounds like the psycho’s stream-of-consciousness in the latest Women’s Fiction>Mystery, Thriller & Suspense book.

Either that, or this company takes very seriously a product that most of us spend no time thinking about.

Unless we run out it.

At an awkward moment.

Curiosity sent me to QuiltedNorthern.com, maker of the product about which they claim to be both compulsive and obsessive, and I’d have to say – I agree with them.

First I encountered something I never thought I would: A toilet paper test. Just answer three questions and you’ll get a diagnosis about which kind of Quilted Northern® to use. I got tense, fearing I’ve been using the wrong type of toilet paper!

With great trepidation and a great deal of thought, I slowly, carefully answered each question and then…

I was indeed using the right toilet paper. Whew, what a relief! If you’ll excuse the expression.

And look at the top of the image – you even get a do-over!

There was more excitement to come when I looked at the “Did You Know” section, starting with something I didn’t know:

That it would even occur to a toilet paper producer to include a “Did You Know.” Who wants to know anything about toilet paper other than – is it available?

Well, I learned that:

“The Quilted Northern® brand has devoted the last hundred years to rethinking, innovating and designing the best toilet paper. An unmatched legacy of craftsmanship and obsession about all the tiny details that go into its products delivers the most comfortable bathroom experience.”

Whew, again – devoting 100 years to toilet paper. There’s a job I don’t want.

Further exploration revealed…