I’m…

And there’s nothing I can do about it.

Which makes me madder than Hell.

Why?

My favorite coffee creamer has been discontinued.

Arbitrarily.  Recklessly.  Thoughtlessly.

Clearly, Coffee mate® wasn’t thinking about me when it stopped making my flavor of choice:  The Original Fat Free, Cholesterol Free.

And since it’s all about me – what were they thinking?

That’s right:  After failing to find my flavor in three supermarkets, I called Coffee mate and was advised they’d discontinued making my one and only.

Really thoughtless.

Now, if you’re thinking, “Coffee creamer?  Is she serious?”

I am.

I love my coffee, and I love my coffee exactly so:

1. Hot.
2. Decaf.
3. Artificial creamer.

Well, I assume my Coffee mate is artificial when it lists ingredients including:

1. Sodium caseinate.
2. Dipotassium phosphate.
3. Diglycerides.

But here’s why I’ve preferred my flavor of Coffee mate for years:

1. It tastes great.
2. Fat: 0%.
3. Cholesterol: 0%.

Seriously, how many things have 0% fat and 0% cholesterol and actually taste great?

I wasn’t always enamored with Coffee mate (and yes, it’s two words, second word with a lower-case “m”).

My earliest recollection is being on an airplane and asking for coffee with cream and sugar.  The flight attendant handed me a cup of coffee, a packet of sugar, and a small, flat package of something called “Coffee mate.”

“May I get cream?”

“This is cream,” she said.

“This” was as close to cream as North Pole to South Pole.

Opening the sugar was no problem – the paper was thin and tore easily.

But this Coffee mate stuff?  The packet was some sort of foil that was uncooperative, and when I finally managed to open it, half of the powdery contents spilled onto my tray table.

Skeptical, I poured the remainder into my coffee, where it immediately congealed into pale, assorted-sized lumps that defied dissolving.

Yuck.

So I avoided Coffee mate for years, until I noticed a liquid form at the supermarket.  Still skeptical, I tried The Original Fat Free, Cholesterol Free and…

I made a commitment to Coffee mate, but Coffee mate didn’t make one to me.

Perhaps because they were too busy making other things, specifically, flavored Coffee mate, and now a veritable plethora of choices has crowded out my favorite:

And since they have that Cheesecake Factory thing – Dessert-In-A-Cup, as it were – why not keep it going?

• Bacon And Egg Flavor – Breakfast-In-A-Cup!
• Big Mac And Fries Flavor – Lunch-In-A-Cup!
• Steak And Caesar Flavor – Dinner-In-A-Cup!

Refusing to rest on their laurels, Coffee mate has also created new products:  Fifteen flavors of “natural bliss,” and yes, that lower case “n” and “b” are also deliberate.

Plus two more products called Artisan Café, and yup – they’re still doing that wretched powder stuff, with 11 to choose from.

Nearly 50 products – so many choices, and none of them mine.

So here it is – my last bottle of The Original Fat Free, Cholesterol Free Coffee mate, possibly the last one in existence.

And it’s final resting place:

I thought the skull at the top of the headstone was a nice touch.