Good Evening, Everyone, I’m…

…Judy Woodruff and this is the PBS Newshour.

Before we get to our top stories, including:

  • One of the Kardashians was seen leaving a breast augmentation clinic in Tijuana, complaining that the “view was lousy and the food even worse.”
  • North Korea has launched a nuclear missile at Japan.
  • And Half Dome (we have pictures), the granite monolith in Yosemite National Park, has collapsed due to so many climbers poking holes into it with sharp objects.
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(Left) Yosemite’s Half Dome before climbers, and (right) thanks to climbers.

But before those and other stories, here at the PBS Newshour our motto is, “First things first.”  So we’re going to your local public broadcasting station with this very important – and personal – message.

Because it’s time for your local station to piss you off with…

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Hello, everyone!

I’m Maya Repulsive, your host for this KPBS Spring Pledge Drive, here to ask you for money, money and more money.

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Here’s one look…

During this and every pledge drive we put our heads together and decide which of your favorite KPBS programs we’ll interrupt to ask you for money, money and more money.

We also make crucial decisions about which of your favorite programs to not interrupt, but instead cut those programs short by 10 minutes to ask you for – yup, you guessed it:  money, money and more money!

Don’t you just hate this?

I can’t tell you how many people stop me on the street every day – and I do mean every day – to tell me, “Maya, I hate pledge drives!”

But never mind that.  Because they also tell me every day – and I do mean every day – “Maya, I love your hair!” and, “Maya, your makeup is just so, like, totally perfect!”

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…and another…

So as a public service to you, our donors, during this pledge drive break I’m going to be sharing some different looks I’ve been trying out – just to keep things lively!

And while I’m doing that, I want you to pick up that phone, call the number on your screen – strategically placed so as not to cover my face – and pick a nice, round number to donate to KPBS.  Say…$100,000?

“OMG, Maya” you might be saying.  “That’s a lot of money!  What do I get for that?”

And I’m here to tell you exactly what you’ll get.  With your continued support, you’ll have the ongoing pleasure – and I do mean pleasure – of seeing me, Maya Repulsive, on The Maya Repulsive Show, right here on KPBS, weekday mornings from 2 to 3am.

But wait – there’s more:  Gifts!  When you give us money, we give you gifts!

And for that $100,000 you’ll receive this genuine – and genuinely cool – KPBS license plate frame!

license plate frame

Uh…guys?  Can we get a bigger picture of that?

license plate frame larger

There we go!

And there you go!  For just $100,000!

And think how proud you’ll be, displaying your support of KPBS with this license plate frame on your soccer mom SUV, or that car you stole or…or whatever!

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…and another…

So grab that phone and call the number on your screen right now.  And be sure to check out my next new look while you’re doing that.

Right now you’re probably thinking, “Maya, maybe I can do more than $100,000.”  And you’re a “can-do” person and I know you can do more.  And so can we.

When you cough up – I mean donate – $500,000, to show our appreciation, you’ll receive both the KPBS license plate frame and…

This gorgeous KPBS travel mug!  With our very own new and improved KPBS logo!KPBS_240_LogoTravelMug cropped

Are you getting the synergy here?  You’re driving around in your soccer mom SUV or maybe you’re in a car chase with the San Diego police in that car you stole – or whatever – proudly displaying your KPBS license plate frame and sipping your fav beverage from your KPBS travel mug!

Not just anyone can have that experience!  But you can!  How?  Just pick up that phone, call the number on your screen – being sure to check out my next look – and make that donation now of just $500,000.

That’s right!  Just $500,000 and you’ll be stylin’ all around town…well, unless you’re in jail because the police caught you in that car chase.

And finally – yes, generous viewers, all good things, even pledge drives, must come to an end – when you really open your heart and your wallet and donate $1 million dollars, you’ll receive…

And I hope you’re sitting down because this is so amazing…

You’ll receive KPBS’ ultimate gift:

The Maya Repulsive Tote Bag!

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This beautiful tote bag is imported, probably from our trading best friends, those darn Chinese.  It’s made of water-resistant fabric with full grain leather trim, and can tote just about anything.

But the best part – obviously – is this exclusive collection, and I do mean not seen anywhere else, of five, yes five, Maya Repulsive “looks,” some of which I’m previewing for you tonight.

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…and yet another!

Wouldn’t you give just anything to be the proud owner of this amazing Maya Repulsive Tote Bag?  Well, you’ve come to the right place for that giving!

So sell your car, your clothes – hell, sell your house!  And make that $1 million pledge to KPBS right now.  And before you know it, all your friends will be green with envy when they see you totin’ the Maya Repulsive Tote Bag.

Our volunteers are standing by to take your call – and your money, money, money – so call the number on your screen and donate now.

And now we return to your regular programming…um…what were we airing?  The PBS Newshour?

We now return to the PBS Newshour…or what’s left of it:

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