When I heard that Trump’s valet had tested positive for COVID-19, I thought, “Of course Trump has a valet, like a lot of other pretentious rich men.”
I’d presumed – silly me – that this valet was someone from Trump’s pre-White House days, another sycophant who’d trailed along in Trump’s wake.
You know – like Ivanka. And Jared. And Don Jr. And What’s-His-Name.
So I was aghast to read that, no – the valet was not a long-time Trump employee.
Trump’s valet is a member of the United States military.
Specifically, one whose job description apparently incudes “laying out the president’s clothes.”
Which is paid for with our…
Trump can’t lay out his own clothes.
Trump lacks the skillset of a five-year-old who declares, “I can dress myself!”
And though that kid may end up looking like this:
Parents appreciate that early, small-but-important step of their child’s independence.
A step Trump hasn’t taken.
We are paying someone to lay out Trump’s clothes.
I can imagine the conversation between Trump and his valet, discussing that day’s apparel choices:
Trump: Whaddaya think, is it an eight-inch day?
(Trump is referring to the length of his tie, and how far down it should hang below his belt. His ties are labeled with stickers that identify each:)
Valet: Well, sir, you wore the six-inch tie yesterday and had great success at the American Association of Retired Persons conference.
Trump: I wowed ‘em, didn’t I? Those old farts love how I’m protecting ‘em from all the virus stuff.
Valet: Indeed, sir.
Trump: Yeah. But today I’m doing a White House lawn thing, and the fu**ing fake news will be there. Let’s go all out. I say eight inches! That tie really screams “The media is the enemy of the American people!”
It turns out that clothes aren’t a White House valet’s only responsibility. According to this article:
Trump apparently has not one, but “…two office valets and three residence valets:
“Valets who work in the Oval provide anything Trump requests, such as coffee, food, or whatever else he might need during the day.
“Residential valets, meanwhile, do Trump’s ‘laundry, iron his attire for the day, and pack his suitcases. These employees also interact regularly with the president, delivering his newspaper or any other messages he might need.’”
So…
Valet: Good morning, Mr. President. I’ve brought your morning newspapers.
Trump: Take ‘em away. I don’t read those boring Daily Intelligence Briefings, why would I read that fu**ing fake news?
All the Trump valets, CNN noted, are “of an elite military unit dedicated to the White House”:
And, CNN continued:
“They are responsible for the President’s food and beverage not only in the West Wing but also travel with him when he’s on the road or out of the country.”
So…
Valet: Mr. President, today would you care for McDonald’s? KFC? Taco Bell?
Trump: Yeah!
The valet who tested positive for coronavirus so far remains nameless.
And Trump, who’s never shown a scintilla of sympathy for him, nor for families grieving the loved ones they’ve lost to the pandemic…
Nor an iota of empathy, of which he’s incapable…
Had only this to say:
That his valet’s life-threatening COVID-19 infection was “one of those things.”
And that he’d had “very little contact, personal contact, with this gentleman.”
And, NBC reported,
“After learning that one of his valets was infected, Trump became ‘lava-level mad’ at his staff and said he doesn’t feel it is doing all it can to protect him, according to a person close to the White House.”
Because, truly, who is the pandemic all about?
I Hate Houseguests 