When: A day in the not-too-distant future
Where: Oval Office
Toady #1: Mr. President, we have just one pressing matter to discuss this morning, sir.
Trump: Speaking of pressing, did I impress everybody with my bean picture, or what? And see those thumbs up? That’ll get the damn Hispanic vote!
Toady #3: Sir, about this pressing matter…
Trump: Pressing? Oh, you mean my press conference yesterday? Was that not THE greatest press conference in the history of this country?
Toady #2: Actually, Mr. President, it’s about –
Trump: I didn’t answer one – not one – question from any of those fake news people. Not one! When that what’s-her-name reporter asked me about the Kung Flu death toll, and I said, “That’s a nasty question!” I showed those rotten, lying –
Toady #3: Mr. President, sir, this is a matter of some urgency. Congress needs to approve the funding while you’re still in office. Ah…that is to say…
Trump: WHILE I’M WHAT?
Toady #1: Sir, what he meant to say, sir, was that now, when your popularity is the highest ever since you’ve been in office. Sir.
Trump: Oh. Damn right! The only other president that even sorta comes close to my popularity is Abraham Lincoln. He was a Republican, you know? People say to me all the time, “I didn’t know Lincoln was a Republican.” And I tell ‘em –
Toady #2: Mr. President, our focus today is on your Presidential Library, sir.
(long pause)
Trump: My what?
Toady #2: Your Presidential Library, sir.
Trump: Library? What’s a library?
(long pause)
Toady #1: A library, sir, is generally defined as a building containing collections of books, important papers and other materials for people to read, borrow, or refer to.
Trump: So? I don’t waste my time reading, what’s that got to do with me?
Toady #3: Sir, it’s become a tradition since Hoover –
Trump: Hoover, yeah, the vacuum cleaner guy. He made a lot of money on those things.
(long pause)
Toady #2: No, sir. I’m referring to Herbert Hoover. He was the 31st president, from 1929 to1933, sir.
Trump: The vacuum guy became president? He musta had the cleanest White House ever!
Toady #1: Mr. President, beginning with Herbert Hoover, every president has a Presidential Library. There are 14 of them and – wait, let me open the PowerPoint I brought. Now – here’s a list of the 14 Presidential Libraries:
Trump: Obama’s on that list? I don’t wanna be on no stinkin’ list that Obama’s on! He wasn’t even born in this country!
Toady #1: Look, sir, here’s the George W. Bush Presidential Library…
Trump: Bush? Lotta good “bush” jokes back then. Ya know what I mean? Told a few myself! Did you hear the one about –
Toady #1: And here’s his father’s library…
Toady #1: And Bill Clinton’s…
Trump: Clinton! He’s a Democrat! I don’t wanna be on no stinking list with those Do-Nothing Democrats!
(long pause)
Toady #3: There are Presidential Libraries for both Republicans and Democrats, sir.
Trump: Waste of money. Complete waste of money. Probably the biggest waste of money in the history of our country.
Toady #2: On the contrary, sir, Presidential Libraries are very popular – hundreds of thousands of people visit them. Look at the attendance at Bush’s library…
Trump: Whoa! Look at that line! It goes way up!
Toady #1: Yes, sir!
Trump: Just think of all the money they’re making! Mine will be the most popular watch-a-callit of all of them, and I’ll make some serious money!
Toady #2: Actually, sir, the money raised goes into supporting the libraries and –
Trump: I gotta have me one of those. What’s it called again?
Toady #3: A Presidential Library, sir.
Trump: Yeah. Yeah, I like it! The Donald J. Trump Presidential Library. I can see it now!
(Yes. And so can we:)
I Hate Houseguests 