Daughter: Mom and Dad, this is Jacob Chansley, but you can call him Jake. Jake, this is my Mom and Dad.
Jake: How ya doin’?
(awkward silence)
Dad: Ah…How do you do, Mr. Chansley?
Jake: Dude, it’s Angeli. Jake Angeli.
Daughter (whispering): Jake, we agreed we weren’t going to get into all that right away, remember?
Jake: Dude, I’m speaking the truth, like on the cover of my book, OK? “The irresistible call of truth,” OK?
Mom: Did you say your “book,” Mr. Angeli?
Jake (reaching down the front of his pants): Yeah, I brought you a copy, see?
Mom: Why…how…how thoughtful. And doesn’t your…er…makeup look just like your picture?
Jake: I created the look. It totally speaks to my being the QAnon Shaman, ya know?
Mom: Yes, you’re…er…Very eye-catching, especially in person!
Dad: I, ah…I see your book is in Italian, Mr. Angeli?
Jake: Like totally, Dude. The title means “The Past Reveals the Future.” That’s a direct quote from me but, like, in Italian. Like the author.
Daughter: And Dad, the other line on the cover, that’s what Jake was referring to, it says, “The irresistible call of truth.” Isn’t that profound?
(long pause)
Mom: Why don’t we all sit down? Jake – oh, watch out for the lamp, your, er, horns…
Jake (narrowly missing the lamp, sits): We’re cool, Dude. I speak the truth.
(long pause)
Mom: Well, our little girl engaged – this is a surprise!
Daughter: And look at my ring!
Mom: Is that…er…
Daughter: It’s a wolf’s head! Because Jake is also known as “Yellowstone Wolf.” Isn’t that sweet?
(long pause)
Mom: Ah…How did you two meet?
Daughter: Oh, Mom, it was so romantic. It was last month, in Washington, DC and –
Dad (interrupts): Washington? We didn’t know you were going to Washington?
Daughter: Well, it was, ah…very last minute but it was all over the news how so much was going on there on January 6 and I wanted to witness it for myself, you know, see history in the making, and there was this huge crowd there, near the Capitol, and as I got closer I saw Jake…
Daughter: …well, I didn’t know he was Jake then, of course, but – I saw him on the other side of the crowd and our eyes met and, well…I just knew!
Mom: Knew what, dear?
Daughter (turns to Jake, smiling): I knew he was The One.
Jake (modestly): Yeah, that happens a lot.
(long pause)
Dad (sternly): You’re talking about the day a mob broke into the Capitol. Those, those criminals are being arrested, all over the country, for breaking into the Capitol!
Jake: I’m not really all that worried about it because, in all honesty…I didn’t break any laws. I walked through open doors, Dude.
Dad (sputtering): But, but – you did break the law!
Jake: The fact that we had a bunch of our traitors-in-office hunker down, put on their gas masks and retreat into their underground bunker, I consider that a win.
Daughter: Dad, here, look at my phone, here are some pictures of Jake…
Mom (soothingly): Why don’t we look at the pictures later, dear – I think dinner is just about ready.
Jake: Dude, I assume what you’re making is organic. Like, I don’t eat anything but organic food.
Mom: Organic? Well, I, um, I’m not sure…
Jake: Yeah, eating organic is part of my shamanic belief system and way of life. Dude, I mean – I’m so strong about this, in jail I went for nine days without eating because they weren’t doing organic.
Dad (shouting): JAIL? My daughter’s engaged to a guy who was in jail?
Jake: I lost 20 pounds! And my agent is working on a book deal! Whaddaya think of this title: Q For You: The QAnon Shaman’s Jailhouse Diet! With me, looking super-buff on the cover:
Dad (mumbling): My daughter’s engaged to a criminal.
Jake: So my lawyer got me transferred me to the Alexandria Detention Center, and a judge told ‘em they had to do organic for me.
Mom: I, ah, don’t know if you’d call anything I made organic, exactly, but…
Jake: Dude, no problem. Like I told ‘em in jail, it’s food grown without herbicides or pesticides. Organic canned vegetables, canned tuna – wild caught – or organic canned soups.
Mom: Well, I’ll see what I have in the pantry…
Dad (slumped, face in hands): My daughter’s engaged to a guy who was in jail. A guy who stormed the Capitol. A guy…
Jake: Dude, I’ll tell you all about QAnon over dinner. I speak the truth! And I know we’re gonna be great friends.
(long pause)
Jake: And to prove that – you can call me Yellowstone Wolf…Dad.
I Hate Houseguests 