“Mom…Dad…I Know This Is Sudden, But I Want You To Meet My New Fiancé!”

Daughter:  Mom and Dad, this is Jacob Chansley, but you can call him Jake.  Jake, this is my Mom and Dad.

Jake: How ya doin’?

(awkward silence)

Dad:  Ah…How do you do, Mr. Chansley?

Jake:  Dude, it’s Angeli.  Jake Angeli.

Daughter (whispering):  Jake, we agreed we weren’t going to get into all that right away, remember?

Jake:  Dude, I’m speaking the truth, like on the cover of my book, OK?  “The irresistible call of truth,” OK?

Mom:  Did you say your “book,” Mr. Angeli?

Jake (reaching down the front of his pants):  Yeah, I brought you a copy, see?

Mom:  Why…how…how thoughtful.  And doesn’t your…er…makeup look just like your picture?

Jake:  I created the look.  It totally speaks to my being the QAnon Shaman, ya know?

Mom:  Yes, you’re…er…Very eye-catching, especially in person!

Dad:  I, ah…I see your book is in Italian, Mr. Angeli?

Jake:  Like totally, Dude.  The title means “The Past Reveals the Future.”  That’s a direct quote from me but, like, in Italian. Like the author.

Daughter:  And Dad, the other line on the cover, that’s what Jake was referring to, it says, “The irresistible call of truth.”  Isn’t that profound?

(long pause)

Mom:  Why don’t we all sit down?  Jake – oh, watch out for the lamp, your, er, horns…

Jake (narrowly missing the lamp, sits):  We’re cool, Dude.  I speak the truth.

(long pause)

Mom:  Well, our little girl engaged – this is a surprise! 

Daughter:  And look at my ring!

Mom:  Is that…er…

Daughter:  It’s a wolf’s head!  Because Jake is also known as “Yellowstone Wolf.”  Isn’t that sweet?

(long pause)

Mom:  Ah…How did you two meet?

Daughter:  Oh, Mom, it was so romantic.  It was last month, in Washington, DC and –

Dad (interrupts):  Washington?  We didn’t know you were going to Washington? 

Daughter:  Well, it was, ah…very last minute but it was all over the news how so much was going on there on January 6 and I wanted to witness it for myself, you know, see history in the making, and there was this huge crowd there, near the Capitol, and as I got closer I saw Jake…

Daughter:  …well, I didn’t know he was Jake then, of course, but – I saw him on the other side of the crowd and our eyes met and, well…I just knew!

Mom:  Knew what, dear?

Daughter (turns to Jake, smiling):  I knew he was The One.

Jake (modestly):  Yeah, that happens a lot.

(long pause)

Dad (sternly):  You’re talking about the day a mob broke into the Capitol.  Those, those criminals are being arrested, all over the country, for breaking into the Capitol!

Jake:  I’m not really all that worried about it because, in all honesty…I didn’t break any laws.  I walked through open doors, Dude.

Dad (sputtering):  But, but – you did break the law!

Jake:  The fact that we had a bunch of our traitors-in-office hunker down, put on their gas masks and retreat into their underground bunker, I consider that a win.

Daughter:  Dad, here, look at my phone, here are some pictures of Jake…

Mom (soothingly):  Why don’t we look at the pictures later, dear – I think dinner is just about ready.

Jake:  Dude, I assume what you’re making is organic.  Like, I don’t eat anything but organic food.

Mom:  Organic?  Well, I, um, I’m not sure…

Jake:  Yeah, eating organic is part of my shamanic belief system and way of life.  Dude, I mean – I’m so strong about this, in jail I went for nine days without eating because they weren’t doing organic.

Dad (shouting):  JAIL? My daughter’s engaged to a guy who was in jail? 

Jake:  I lost 20 pounds!  And my agent is working on a book deal!  Whaddaya think of this title:  Q For You:  The QAnon Shaman’s Jailhouse Diet!  With me, looking super-buff on the cover:

Dad (mumbling):  My daughter’s engaged to a criminal.

Jake:  So my lawyer got me transferred me to the Alexandria Detention Center, and a judge told ‘em they had to do organic for me.

Mom:  I, ah, don’t know if you’d call anything I made organic, exactly, but…

Jake:  Dude, no problem.  Like I told ‘em in jail, it’s food grown without herbicides or pesticides.  Organic canned vegetables, canned tuna – wild caught – or organic canned soups.

Mom:  Well, I’ll see what I have in the pantry…

Dad (slumped, face in hands):  My daughter’s engaged to a guy who was in jail.  A guy who stormed the Capitol.  A guy…

Jake:  Dude, I’ll tell you all about QAnon over dinner.  I speak the truth!  And I know we’re gonna be great friends. 

(long pause)

Jake:  And to prove that – you can call me Yellowstone Wolf…Dad.

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