I Don’t Have A Dog, But I Want To Go Shopping At…

I don’t have a dog, so I was puzzled as to why I received a catalog from In The Company of Dogs, the “Ultimate Resource for Dog Lovers!”

But – what if I had a dog?

What if I joined the 60+ million people in the U.S. who have at least one dog, and became a dog owner?

What if I joined my fellow Americans who spent nearly $100 billion on their pets in 2020, according to the American Veterinary Medical Association:

What if I perused the catalog to see the latest and greatest items for my dog?

I did.  And it was…

A veritable feast of options!

For instance…

There’s an item called a “furniture protector,” and the description assures me that “sharing the couch with a dog is easy with hair, stain, moisture and paw-print protection.”

I’m pretty sure my couch doesn’t need protection from my “hair, stain, moisture and paw-prints,” so the company is suggesting that I, the dog owner, buy a furniture protector.

But…I don’t know.

Maybe I can train my dog to not get on the furniture?

Apparently not.

So it looks like I’m going to buy this furniture protector which, the catalog notes, will be “pleasing to your dog”:

One furniture protector…………………………………………………………………. $219

OK, I accept that my dog will be on the furniture.

And it seems I need to make it easy for my dog to be on the furniture, so I need this:

It’s the “Lightweight Animals Matter Companion Stairs,” a set of portable steps that “harmonize with your furniture” and I can move from room to room so my dog can climb onto the furniture, onto the bed, onto any doggone thing he wants!

Companion stairs…………………………………………………………………………. $299

Showing copious amounts of seasonal awareness, the catalog has plenty of holiday items, so I’ll add some to my shopping cart.

My dog needs goodies to unwrap on Christmas morning, after all.  So…

One “Personalized Breed Ornament,” $39.95:

One “Personalized Breed Stocking,” $39.95:

One “Joy to the World” Holiday Pillow,” $49.95:

And, because I want my dog to be stylin’…

One “All-Weather 3-in-1 Jacket,” $79.95:

But I would be remiss if I allowed my dog to be the only one that’s stylin’, right?

I don’t want to embarrass my dog, do I?

So I’ll wrap up my shopping spree with this:

Matching “Best Friends Forever Hoodies”:

Just $64.95 for the human hoodie and $44.95 for the dog version, and everywhere the two of us go, people will know we’re Best Friends Forever.

And – hopefully – not eyeing us suspiciously when we’re wearing hoodies in July.

So, now – my shopping cart full – I head to checkout and make my purchase.

I’m so excited!  My dog is going to LOVE this stuff!

Almost $1,000 but – my dog will be happy!  My dog will be “pleased”!  My dog will be…

Oh, wait.

I just remembered:

I don’t have a dog.

I don’t have “hair, stain, moisture and paw-prints” on my couch.

Instead…

I’ve got my clean couch…

All to myself…

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