I Hate Houseguests

Winemaking is considered an art form, but it behooves us to note that writing descriptions for wine bottle labels has become an art form, as well.

I’ve read numerous wine bottle labels while consuming numerous glasses of wine, so I can say with some authority that this form of writing requires hard work, imagination, and a mastery of obfuscation.

Take, for example, these descriptions from labels of California Zinfandel wines in a recent magazine article:

Lush and textural, with peppery blackberries, mocha, and mineral undertones.

What does this mean?

My trusty dictionary verifies that one meaning of “lush” is “a drunkard, an alcoholic,” which seems like a strange word to encourage me to drink this beverage.  And “mocha” is “a choice variety of coffee,” which I sure don’t want sobering me up when I’m drinking wine.

Here’s another description:

A gravelly layer full of black pepper and tobacco under generous sweet plum and berry fruit.

“Gravelly” – it tastes like my driveway?  And wow – since when is “tobacco” a good thing?

How about this one:

Vibrant, briary berries mix it up with violets, mocha, and espresso through an endless finish.

When I looked up “briary,” my dictionary referred me to the word “brier,” there apparently being no such word as “briary.”  I guess wine description writers have a license to make up words.  Like “zinfandel” – “a word of unknown origin,” which means somebody made that up, too.

And as for “brier,” where the dictionary referred us:  “a tangled mass of prickly plants.”

Yum, yum, pour me some more of that.

Let’s get down to basics.  The dictionary defines “wine” as “a fermented juice of grapes,” yet there’s a veritable produce section included in these descriptions.  In addition to the aforementioned blackberries, sweet plum, and berry fruit, various labels advise us we’ll encounter “dark plum, blueberry and raspberry” or “red-fruited beauty” or “blue and black fruit.”

The latter sounds like it was dropped on the supermarket floor numerous times before fermentation.

Always interested in learning new art forms, and figuring I’ve consumed enough wine to qualify, I thought I’d try my hand at writing a few wine descriptions.  First, to round out my vocabulary, I consulted a tutorial at winefolly.com and picked up some words including fat, flabby, fleshy, and food friendly.

This sounds more like a description of me rather than a desirable bottle of wine.

Here are some other terms for neophyte label writers:

Austere	Refined
Charcoal	Tight
Flamboyant	Toasty
Intellectually Satisfying	Unctuous

I’ll bet you never knew that squished grapes could be all that.

Now thoroughly prepared, here are my efforts:

The angular, earthy, inscrutable, structured bouquet pairs well with meatloaf, kielbasa, and Mom’s tuna noodle casserole.

 The insouciant aromas of peaches, tangerines, and grapefruit plus a kiwi finish will slap you upside the head and make you say, “Yo Mama!”

 Mellifluous overtones and cacophonous undertones make this wine a veritable symphony of harmonious, opulent flavors.

Stone fruits are passionately present in a velvety interfusion of peach pit, plum pit, cherry pit and arm pit.

The elegant, smooth finish from the stainless steel aging barrels always complements your metal dental work.

And finally:

This jabilemno has a hint of plemtoz and oakiness that extrapolate the most discerning ramgrals.

Hey – if they can make up words, so can I.

June is a big month for weddings, but whenever the Big Day is planned, ask yourself these questions:  Did you know why brides wear a veil?  Carry flowers?

Those and many wedding traditions are based on superstitions that date back hundreds, even thousands of years.  For example…

1. Bridesmaids: This custom originated in ancient Rome, where the

   

   bridesmaids would all dress like the bride to confuse evil spirits trying to hurt her.  Today, bridesmaids support an industry making the ugliest dresses in the world that they pay a lot of money for and never, ever wear again.

2. Groomsmen: Again, an ancient custom, having a bunch of guys around to confuse evil spirits.  Today, groomsmen are responsible for getting the groom sobered up from his bachelor party and into a reasonably upright position at the altar.

3. The Bachelor Party: An excuse for men to hire a stripper and get drunk, as if men need an excuse to hire a stripper and get drunk.

4. The Bridal Shower: An excuse for women to go to a club and watch buff, bare-chested men perform erotic dances while the women get drunk, as if women need an excuse, etc.

5. The White Wedding Dress: This represents the bride’s purity, so don’t ask me why white wedding dresses also come in maternity versions.  Notice that there’s no corresponding white anything in the groom’s wardrobe to represent his purity.

6. The Bridal Veil: This dates back to the Middle Ages, when parents arranged marriages and the bride and groom didn’t meet until they were at the altar.  The groom wasn’t allowed to see the bride’s face in case she was a bow-wow and he’d be tempted to run for the nearest exit.

7. The Bride’s Bouquet: Until the invention of deodorant, for centuries people, quite frankly, stank.  Bathing was an annual event, as was changing your underwear.  Carrying a bouquet meant the bride, for one day in her life, smelled nice.  Everyone else, not so much.

8. The Wedding Cake: Wedding cakes weren’t originally eaten but thrown at the bride for fertility luck.  In ancient Greece, marriages were sealed when the groom smashed a cake over the bride’s head.  Now, couples smash cake into each other’s faces, then post the pictures on Facebook while they’re still at the reception.

9. Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed, Something Blue: All based on superstition, meant to bring the couple good luck, fortune and fertility.  And, oh yeah – to ward off evil spirits.  And finally…

10. Throwing the Bouquet: This, for a change, has nothing to do with evil spirits. Instead, when the bride tosses the bouquet to her mob of single female friends, it’s her way of saying, “Now I’m married and you losers aren’t.”

In 2011 a new musical opened on Broadway that had people talking – and the awards flowing:  Nine Tony Awards including Best Musical; the New York Drama Critics’ Circle Award; and a Grammy Award for Best Musical Theater Album.  People raved, the critics raved, and I – who’d loved musicals since I was a kid – promised myself that if the show ever came to San Diego, I would see it.

The show was The Book of Mormon, and it came to San Diego three years ago.  It came, I saw, and I was disgusted.

And now, it’s returning.

I knew the show was from the creators of South Park, and I’d seen that TV program once.  I thought it was an egregious a waste of time, but I understood why the bathroom humor appealed to my 14-year old nephew.

So I remembered South Park, but I was certain that the creators of The Book of Mormon would have cleaned up their act – literally – for Broadway.  You’re not going to garner prestigious awards for bathroom humor, are you?

Apparently you are.  A lot of awards for a lot of bathroom humor, including a song about defecating in the river, drinking the river water, getting sick, defecating in the river again, drinking the water again and – you get the idea.

The show’s creators don’t limit themselves to bathroom humor, however; early on we learn that in the African village where the show takes place, most of the people have AIDS.  There’s a thigh-slapper.  And how about that song, Hasa Diga Eebowai, which translates into Fuck You, God.  You’ll walk out of the theater singing that one, for sure.

And yes, there’s more.

Like the jokes about cutting off a clitoris – that’s always amusing.  It’s referred to as “female circumcision” which is as inaccurate as it is offensive.  Then there’s the war lord who makes several appearances and goes by the name of “Butt-Fucking Naked.”

There’s the dance number where men run around wearing three-foot-long rubber penises, though I never figured out why.  And the village doctor who announces early on that “I have maggots in my scrotum.”  He says it a second and then a third time during the first act, and because that’s so uproariously funny, we got to hear it again as the show’s closing line.

Understand:  I’m not averse to raunchy humor, four-letter words or so-stupid-they’re-funny jokes.  I love satire.  And if someone wants to poke fun at religion – I’m in.

So I don’t dismiss The Book of Mormon as 100% disgusting.  The show has terrific energy, great singers and dancers, and some of the lyrics are catchy and clever.  But all that is good is overwhelmed by the vulgarity, crudity, and just plain inanity.

Never have so many paid so much for so little entertainment:  In my case, two tickets, a whopping $345.  It appears the same two seats this time around will cost and even more whopping $450.

Plus “fees.”

I’m assuming the show hasn’t changed, so when the The Book of Mormon returns in July, do yourself a favor:  Save your money.

And just watch a couple episodes of South Park.

 

I’m not one for holding grudges.

Well, yes, I am.

And if I’m going to hold a grudge, why not for a good, long time?

Say, several years?

Against someone who doesn’t know me, doesn’t care, and never will?

The someone is Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg (online nickname:  Notorious R.B.G.), and the grudge stems from something she said on October 8, 2013.

Location:       The Supreme Court

Occasion:     The Hearing on Campaign Contributions

And though she was quoted by The New York Times, CNN and other media, as far as I can tell, not one of them picked up on this.

I realize the focus of the Court was campaign contributions, so maybe this was overlooked amidst all the posturing and politicking around a volatile subject.

But I think it’s grudge-worthy.

2013? you say.  Ancient history!  I say not.  Justice Bader Ginsburg said it then, she meant it then, and there’s no reason to doubt she still feels the same.

Are you ready?

“By having these limits you are promoting democratic participation, then the little people will count some, and you won’t have the super-affluent as the speakers that will control the elections,” said Justice Bader Ginsburg.

The “little people”?

Excuse me, Justice Bader Ginsburg?

To whom, exactly, are you referring?

Are you referring to the little people who will hand over $251,800 tax dollars this year to pay you to sit on that well-padded bench?

Are you referring to the little people who are also on the hook for paying you a lifetime pension, even though for most of us, pensions are a thing of the past?

Are you referring to the little people who have to scramble and sacrifice to pay for decent health care insurance – which you don’t?

Are you referring to the little people who don’t have lifetime employment, and a three-month paid annual vacation – which you do?

For you to use a phrase so trivializing, so marginalizing, and so degrading indicates that you have spent way too much time in the rarified atmosphere of our nation’s highest court, and not nearly enough time among us little people.

If you had, you’d realize that when it comes to Americans…

There are no little people.

 

Job hunting, at best, is the worst.  Whether you’re a recent college grad, a Millennial making your seventh job hop, or a sixty-something considering your sixth career change, you can’t read too many useless job-hunting articles with too many useless tips.

So, here are 12 more to consider:

1.  There are no jobs in Los Angeles (or St. Louis, or Tucumcari, etc.).

I have this on good authority from a headhunter – excuse me, “executive search consultant.”  Oh, I know thousands of people get in their cars every morning and go somewhere, but don’t ask me where.  Maybe a little early Christmas shopping?

2.  When you call someone they are never in. If you leave a message, they never call back. 

Companies post jobs in their “Careers” section on their websites that implore you to “Call Muffie at 619-555-7878.”  No matter what day you call, Muffie will not be in.  Muffie will never be in.  After much pleading, the surly receptionist may deign to take down your name and number.  I suspect she uses the message slip to discard her latest wad of gum.

3.  Be suspicious of any ad that boasts “fabulous growth rate,” “unlimited earning potential,” “glamorous environment” or “four-star corporation.”

This is another way of saying “Your salary will be chopped liver because you’ll have the privilege of working in a glamorous environment with a fabulous growth rate and unlimited earning potential at a four-star corporation.”

4.  Learn the secret language of prospective employers.

So you wrote a brilliant cover letter and emailed it, along with your equally brilliant resume, and now, three days later, you’re doing your follow-up phone call.  If you actually get past the secretary (with her snotty “I-have-a-job-and-you-don’t” voice) to the director of Personnel, excuse me, Human Resources, listen for these key phrases and know what you’re really hearing:

PHRASE	MEANS
Refresh my memory.	I never heard of you.
What exactly are you looking for?	Why are you bothering me?
How did you happen to contact us?	Why are you bothering me?
I just received your resume this morning.	Hold on while I dig it out of the wastebasket.
You may be overqualified.	Creep!  You’re after my job!
There are no openings at the moment.	There are no jobs in Los Angeles, etc.
So we’re not hiring right now.	We’re not hiring you, right now or ever.
But I’ll keep your resume on file.	If I ever dig it out of the wastebasket.
Why don’t you call me next month?	I’ll be in Spain.
I appreciate your interest.	Go bother someone else.

 5.  Lie on your resume.

Contrary to popular belief, composing a good resume is not an art form.  Lying on your resume is.  Since nobody reads past the first three sentences anyway, feel free to list positions like “Chairman of the Board, Naganishi Motors” and “Chief of Brain Surgery, Vienna General Hospital.”  If someone actually reads that far into your resume, smile modestly, say, “Yes, but I don’t like to brag,” and change the subject.

6.  Lie at your interview.

Go ahead, have some fun with it!  What you say in an interview is mostly irrelevant, since the interviewer knew two seconds after you walked in if she’s going to hire you or not.  Mostly it’s “not,” especially if your palm was sweaty when you shook hands.  So…

7.  Learn to love rejection.

For women, a job interview is like a date when the guy says “I’ll call you,” and he never does.  For men, a job interview is like a date when the woman says “I had a great time,” but she’s always busy when he calls.  If your love life is something less than nirvana, don’t job hunt unless you really, REALLY love rejection.

8.  Have some questions prepared for your interview.

I don’t mean stuff like “How many product lines are you currently marketing?” or “What is your anticipated growth rate for this fiscal year?”  I mean important stuff like “Where is there to park around here?” and “What’s a good place for lunch?”  You don’t want to walk into this blind, do you?

9.  Have some answers prepared for your interview.

Interviewers often ask prospective employees why they want to leave their current jobs.  “Because my boss is gravy-sucking slime” is succinct, and probably true, but a little tact comes in handy here.  “I want to take on more responsibilities!” and “I’m ready for more challenges!” score high with interviewers, but only if you say them with a straight face.

10.  Write a follow-up thank-you note.

“Dear Mr. Smith, Thank you for fitting in our interview between lunch and your handball game.  I can certainly appreciate how busy you are – you took five calls and had a meeting during the 15 minutes I was there!  One day I hope to emulate your multi-tasking skills!  I’ve enclosed another resume since you couldn’t find the one in your wastebasket that I sent last week…”

11.  Take another look at your current job.

Maybe a dead-end, boring, enervating, degrading and/or low-paying job isn’t such a bad thing after all.  The President of the United States is in a dead-end job, isn’t he?  He knows he could be out of work in a few years, so at least you’re better off than he is.

12.  Avoid career assessment seminars, career change seminars, career networking seminars – any seminars.

Be honest.  Do you know anyone who attended a seminar and then went out and found the job of their dreams?  And who needs to spend $1,000 to hear someone talk about “Systematized Management Concepts” or “Using Humor in a Termination”?  Save your $1,000.

Better yet, send me the $1,000.

I’m still unemployed.

Darned if I know why.

 

If you’ve had the misfortune of recently flying on a commercial airline then you’ve probably had the privilege of paying for one or more of the following:

• Really, really bad, expensive food. Example:

Ham & Cheddar Breakfast Sandwich                                                               $7.79

“Ham and cheddar cheese on a ciabatta square served with Dijon mustard-mayo sauce (served cold).”

Translation:  (A miniscule portion of) ham and (dry, old) cheddar cheese on a (small, stale) ciabatta square served with (one measly) Dijon mustard-mayo sauce (because we’re too cheap to do the condiments separately) (served cold – and we mean really, really cold).

• Ancillary Fees. Example:

According to IdeaWorks Company, which publishes the CarTrawler Yearbook of Ancillary Revenue, airlines around the world took in a collective haul of $40.5 billion in ancillary fees and charges in 2015, the highest figure ever recorded for this study.  (Trust me, it will be higher for 2016, when they get brave enough to release the figures.)

That year – again, according to IdeaWorks – United Airlines led the pack with $6.2 billion in fees.  If you care to do the math – and I do – that’s just one airline, in one year, sucking in almost $17 million of our hard-earned dollars per day.

Here are some of the rip-offs – excuse me, ancillary fees – you may have to “show them the money” for:

·       In-Phone/In-Person Booking Fees ·       Unaccompanied Minor Fees ·       Credit Card Booking Fees ·       Overweight Bag Fees ·       Oversize Bag Fees

·       Carry-On Bag Fees ·       Boarding Pass Fees ·       Seat Selection Fees ·       In-cabin Pet Fees ·       Blanket and Pillow Fees

Then there are those pesky Ticket Change Fees.  You bought your ticket six months ago but now, due to a burst appendix, you’re forced to postpone your trip.  Not cancel – just postpone.  The airlines will gladly help you with that, and gladly charge you up the wazoo for that pesky appendix.

All this begs the question:  What will they charge us for next?  Is the following what you’ll hear the next time you shoehorn yourself into your none-too-clean, way-too-narrow, no-leg-room seat?

“Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen!  And welcome aboard No Way Airways, with non-stop service from San Diego to Chicago.  Your safety and comfort are of utmost importance to us, so please pay close attention to the following announcement.

“For your in-flight comfort, a pillow and blanket may be purchased for $5.  A clean pillow and blanket may be purchased for $12.95.

“Each.

“In the event of the loss of air pressure in the cabin, an oxygen mask will automatically drop down from the panel above your head.  However, to activate the oxygen, you must purchase a green sticker for $39.95.  Passengers who do not purchase a green sticker will, in the event of the loss of cabin pressure, experience irreversible brain damage and/or death within four minutes.

“A life vest is provided for every passenger and is located beneath your seat.  To inflate the life vest, you must first purchase a red sticker for $49.95.  However, as our trip today does not normally take us over any significant bodies of water, the life vest red sticker is discounted to $19.95.

“In the event of an emergency landing, escape chutes will be deployed from the various airplane exits.  To use the chutes to evacuate the airplane, you’ll need to purchase a yellow sticker for $69.95.  Passengers who do not purchase a yellow sticker will, in the event of an emergency evacuation, remain on the aircraft until all passengers with yellow stickers, and the flight crew, have left the aircraft.  After that, you’re on your own.

“You may purchase green, red and yellow stickers from the flight attendants who are moving through the aisles now.  We accept all major credit cards.  All purchases are final, and must be made prior to takeoff.

“Finally, lavatories are located throughout the aircraft and designated by an overhead sign.  To use a lavatory, insert $3 into the slot above the door handle, just as you would with a soda or snack machine.  There is no additional charge for flushing, and please enjoy the toilet paper, soap and hand towels with our compliments.

“Once again, welcome aboard No Way Airways, and enjoy your trip!”