I’m a great – and grateful – admirer of bathrooms.
If this surprises you, just stop and…
Think about your life without a bathroom.
Where else would you relieve yourself? Where else would you shower? Where else is the light just right for shaving and/or applying makeup and/or hair styling?
So, being an admirer of bathrooms, when these two bathroom-related stories recently appeared in the news, they caught my attention.
Bathroom Story #1: Not HERE, Kitty, Kitty!
This is a beautiful thing:
This…not so much:
This is a mountain lion, also known as a cougar, puma and panther, and I’ll use some or all these monikers.
Adult male cougars grow to six to eight feet long and typically weigh 110 to 180 pounds. Females average five to seven feet long and weigh 80 to 130 pounds.
They have a wide range: Central and South America, Mexico, the western U.S. wilderness areas, and southern Florida.
And now, apparently, someone’s bathroom.
Edward and Kathy Sudduth live in Sonora, a small town in Tuolumne County in the mid-eastern part of California.
On a recent September evening, they had their front door open to enjoy the cool evening air while they watched TV.
The mountain lion walked in.
For a split second, the couple thought it was a dog. Understandable, when you put yourself in their shoes. Talk about a cougar out of context, right?
And considering that a cougar could take your leg off and consider it a light hors d’oeuvre, I’d say the Sudduths kept it together quite well.
Realizing this was no dog they were dealing with, Edward took action: “His tail was pretty close to me so I just thwipped it a little bit,” he said.
Now, I’ve never heard the word “thwipped” and I’ve confirmed that it’s not actually a word, but the mountain lion interpreted it as, “Run upstairs and lay down in the bathroom.”
So the mountain lion did.
The Sudduths ran for a room nearby, slammed the door behind them, and called 911.
Tuolumne deputies and state wildlife officials found the mountain lion when they got to the home, but rather than immediately starting the removal process, one of them stopped to take a picture.
I’m imagining this scene. The cougar is comfortably ensconced on the cool tile floor, possibly catching some zzzs, when it’s confronted by some dude in a uniform.
The official whips out his phone and says, “OK, kitty, just relax and hold that pose. Hold it…hold it…got it! Let me take a look here…oh, shoot. I cut off the tops of your ears, too much damn zoom.”
“Kitty, I need to take another one. Hold it…”
Then officials – with the Sudduth’s permission – broke the bathroom window and coaxed the cougar to jump, which, after all the thwipping and photo retakes and other nonsense, probably didn’t require much persuasion.
On its way out, the mountain lion was met with lights, camera, action:
I expect it was glad the officials didn’t ask for a retake.
Bathroom Story #2: But I Gotta Go NOW!
This is a beautiful thing:
This…not so much:
This toilet is the real deal – 103 kilograms of 18 karat gold that, by my calculation, is about 226 pounds, and valued variously from $1.2 million to $5 million and more.
Though as we all know – when you need a toilet it’s …
So best of all, it’s a fully working toilet.
It’s an artwork called America, created by Maurizio Cattelan, an Italian artist described as “one of the most popular and controversial on the contemporary art scene.”
America was part of an installation – of art, not plumbing – of Cattelan’s work at Blenheim Palace, in Oxfordshire, England.
I say “was” because in mid-September, the toilet was stolen:
Early one morning, thieves removed the toilet and made off with it.
Detective Inspector Jess Milne said in a statement, “Due to the toilet being plumbed into the building, this has caused significant damage and flooding,” which is the Brits’ understated way of saying “#%!*&#*!&%/!”
As of this writing, two men have been arrested but the toilet has not been recovered.
And that’s a problem, but so is this:
Take another look – what’s wrong with this picture?
Here you’ve got a multi-million-dollar toilet, and what to go with it?
Boring, plain old white toilet paper.
Maurizio, you go to all the trouble of:
- Getting your hands on 226 pounds of gold.
- Fashioning it into a working toilet.
- Schlepping it to England and having plumbers install it.
- Encouraging people to use it and yes – even creating and posting rules for using it:
And all you’re offering them is ordinary toilet paper?
When you could so easily have included this:
This is – on the level – 22 karat gold toilet paper, or “loo paper,” as the Brits call it, “loo” being their word for “bathroom.”
It’s sold by Australian company Toilet Paper Man, who assures those who may be concerned that the roll is three-ply to ensure the utmost comfort.
Toilet Paper Man is selling the gold roll for the bargain price of $1,376,900.
Or, “around £825,839”, as the Brits would say.