Noon, July 3, 2020, Oval Office:
Toady #1: Mr. President, you told us this morning that your speech at Mount Rushmore this evening would include an announcement about a National Garden of American Heroes. We’ve been brainstorming since then, and devised a Fair and Equitable and Encompassing Statue Selection Strategy. I’d like to show it to you now:
Toady #2: We’ve made a list of 50 statue candidates and numbered each name. Each ball in this bingo cage has a corresponding number. We’ll give the balls a twirl, you’ll pick one and – voila! You’ll select 30 balls, and your National Garden of American Heroes is born.
Trump: We’re gonna show those new far-left fascists, running around trying to vandalize our history, desecrate our monuments, our beautiful monuments, tear down our statues…
Toady #3: Mr. President, would you like to make the first selection?
Trump: Hold on, there, just hold on. Before we do any twirling and selecting you better be sure – there are no damn Democrat presidents in there, right?
Toady #2: Not a single one, Mr. President.
Trump: OK, good. Good. And no frigging Mexicans. Or anybody from those whatchacallit countries, that triangle thing. They’re all rapists and drug dealers.
Toady #1: Ah, no sir, I mean, correct sir. There are no Latinos or Hispanics in the bingo cage.
Trump (laughing uproariously): But we keep ‘em in other cages, don’t we?
Toady #3: Gentlemen, shall we get the ball rolling, as it were?
Trump: And no Indians, right? OK, exuuuuuse me, gotta be politically correct here, no Native Americans?
Toady #2: Correct sir. And no Asian Americans, either.
Trump: Damn good thing, them coming here and spreading Kung Flu, don’t deserve to be in any garden of mine. I suppose we’re stuck with having women on the list, right?
Toady #1: Oh, yes sir, and the list includes, for example, number 11, Harriet Beecher Stowe.
Trump: Who the hell is she?
Toady #1: She’s a famous American author, sir. She wrote Uncle Tom’s Cabin.
Trump: Famous? For writing a book about her uncle’s house?
Toady #2: And number 28. Dolley Madison, sir.
Trump: Now, there’s a name I know – the snack cake lady. Love her Chocolate Zingers!
Trump: OK, enough with the broads. You got Putin and Xi Jinping on the list, right?
Toady #3: Um…Mr. President, this is a National Garden of American Heroes?
Trump: Yeah, yeah, but I made sure in my Executive Oder that non-US citizens who – how’d they put it? Oh, yeah. Played “significant roles in American history also could be honored.” And that’s Putin and Xi.
Trump: ‘Cuz they’re gonna be presidents for life, and if they can do it, so can I. My Order says the garden opens by July 4, 2026, so I’ll just extend my second term a couple a years. Like, two. Maybe three. Or four.
Toady #1: Shall we get started, Mr. President?
Trump: I gotta know how tall these statues are gonna be.
Toady #2: At this time we’re estimating nine to 10 feet, sir.
Trump: OK. And how tall is my statue gonna be?
Toady #3: Ah…your statue, sir?
Trump: Of course, you moron! Who the hell do you think the damn garden is all about? Am I not the greatest American hero?
Trump: I was thinking 50 feet tall. Wait – how tall are those statues of Kim Jong Un?
Toady #1: Are you referring to the Grand Monument on Mansu Hill in North Korea, sir? Those are actually Kim’s ancestors, sir.
Trump: Whatever. How tall are they?
Toady#1: They’re, ah…they’re 66 feet tall, sir.
Trump: 66 feet? Then make mine 70 feet, and the other ones…I dunno, six feet? And bunch ‘em together so I’m what you look at. Got it?